the nicest people are often the most miserable

People Pleasing could be killing you.

You know that person who always says yes, never causes problems, and somehow makes everyone else comfortable while quietly falling apart inside?

Yeah. That might be you.

And I get it. It can feel easier to keep the peace than to be honest. But do you realize that while you think you're helping, it's actually hurting you... and the people you think you're helping?

I'll bet you didn't know this: Your people-pleasing isn’t kindness. It’s fear. Just a smokescreen for what’s really going on underneath.

Here's what it actually looks like:

• You say yes when you want to say no.

• You apologize for having opinions.

• You scan every room when you walk in.

• You say "I'm fine" when you're absolutely not.

• You give until you’ve got nothing, then feel bad for needing rest.

And if you're a leader? It only gets louder.

• The CEO who softens her vision to avoid pushback from the board.

• The pastor who changes his sermon to keep everyone coming back.

• The entrepreneur who pivots her concept every time someone expresses concern.

• The executive who says yes to every request because being liked feels safer than being respected.

When your sense of safety is tied to being agreeable, people-pleasing starts to feel like what you need to do to keep your job. But let’s be honest, it’s not. 

So why do we do it? Most of us know about fight or flight. But trauma experts, including therapist Pete Walker, describe a fourth response: fawn.

Fawning is when your nervous system decides the safest move is to agree, make everyone else happy. You keep the peace, say the right thing, smooth it all over. Not because you want to. Because somewhere along the way, you learned that’s what kept you safe, it's what helped you survive.

If you grew up thinking love had conditions, or that speaking up led to conflict or rejection, your brain adapted. It told you: Play it safe. Be easy. Keep the peace.

And now, without even realizing it, that old survival mindset is the way you do your leadership.

The cost? It’s real. You forget what you even want. You try to manage everyone’s emotions like you can actually control what someone else feels (most of us can't even change how we feel!). But I do know one thing you feel: resentment. You're walking around with that like a backpack full of bricks. You attract people who expect you to keep giving up yourself.

And all the while, you look like the most pleasant person in the room.

So what now? Here’s where the healing and health begins:

1. Notice when you’re shape-shifting instead of leading. That moment you catch yourself adjusting just to keep the peace. When you agree with whoever spoke last, even though something in you winced. That’s not leadership. That’s fear driving your car.

2. Start telling the truth in small, safe ways. Say no to the meeting you know is a waste. Say yes to the lunch you actually want. Try ordering your favorite dish instead of just going with the group. For leaders, this might look like admitting you don’t know, cutting what’s not working, or making the call no one else wants to make.

3. Rebuild your decision-making from the inside out. Start catching those old questions: “What will make them happy?” “What will keep everyone calm?” Replace them with: “What serves the mission?” “What’s honest?” “What would I do if fear wasn’t running the show?”

4. Find the leader you actually are. You’ve spent years becoming the version of yourself others seemed to want. But who are you when you’re not performing? What do you value when no one’s clapping? That’s where your leadership starts to get real.

Kindness should include you, too. People-pleasing is just another way we try to control. Real kindness tells the truth, even if your voice shakes a little.

Saying no isn’t rude. Having needs isn’t selfish. Being disliked isn’t dangerous.

And the moment you stop managing the image and start leading from your whole self? That’s when things really begin to change.

If any of this hit close to home, that’s not a coincidence. You’ve been leading from fear long enough. It’s time to lead from who you actually are.

Start by grabbing the free Total Package Playbook.

It’s a simple guide to assess where you're at (honestly) and then help you build a plan to lead with confidence, clarity, and boundaries that don’t cost you your soul. Get it now at www.totalpackageplaybook.com

You don’t have to become someone else to be effective. You just have to stop hiding the person you already are.