Why Most Church Discipleship Programs Leave People Empty (And What Actually Works Instead)

I've been wrestling with something that's been bugging me for years. How do we grow in our faith in a way that actually sustains us in a world that's messy and where everyone seems out for themselves?

Here's what I keep seeing: people show up to church week after week, maybe even join a small group or Bible study, but they're still struggling with the same stuff. Still anxious about money. Still can't seem to love their difficult family members. Still feel disconnected from God most days.

In church circles, we call this growth process "discipleship." It's basically the Christian version of mentoring, where someone further along helps you take your next steps in following Jesus. Sounds good in theory, right?

But here's the problem. For way too many people in church environments, discipleship has been reduced to blanks to fill in and binders gathering dust on shelves. It becomes about information instead of transformation. People learn the right answers but their lives don't actually change.

I think we've been treating faith like a transaction instead of a relationship.

Let me explain what I mean. If you want a great marriage, you can't just read a book about marriage, attend a weekend retreat, and then consider yourself "married well." That's insane. A thriving marriage requires ongoing habits like date nights, honest conversations, sharing responsibilities, being emotionally present. Those habits aren't the marriage itself, but they're what keep it alive and growing.

Faith works the same way. Real discipleship isn't about mastering content or checking spiritual boxes. It's about cultivating three key relationships that shape who you're becoming: your relationship with God, your relationship with the church (other believers who know you and challenge you), and your relationship with the world (how you love and serve people who don't know Jesus yet).

When I work with people in discipleship, I'm not trying to download Bible facts into their heads. I'm helping them develop habits that strengthen these three relationships. Because here's the thing that nobody talks about: you never arrive. Just like you don't graduate from being married, you don't graduate from following Jesus.

This is messy work. It's ongoing. It's deeply personal. And it can't be systematized into a neat program because people are different and growth looks different depending on what season of life they're in.

But when someone starts living from this relational foundation instead of just trying to follow religious rules or perform for God, everything changes. They stop faking it and start becoming real. They stop going through the motions and start actually connecting with God. They stop judging people and start loving them.

The question I always ask people I'm discipling is simple: "What does forward look like from here?" Not where should you be spiritually, but what's the next step you can actually take to grow in your relationship with God, with other believers, and with the world around you.

Because at the end of the day, the people who experience real transformation aren't the ones with the most Bible knowledge. They're the ones who understand that following Jesus is fundamentally relational.

What relationships are you cultivating to become the person God created you to be?